In the early days of aviation, pilots used to barnstorm around the country giving airshows in the fields outside local towns. One of the popular daredevil stunts was "wingwalking." This is where a performer gets outside the cockpit and walks on the wing while the pilot flies the plane, often doing aerobatic maneuvers at the same time. Usually this feat was done using biplanes, and the wing walkers held on to the guy wires that stretched taut between the wings.
Occasionally there were accidents. If you let go of the guy wires you could easily fall to your death. It was best to hold on with both hands, but if you wanted to move around on the wing it was necessary to let go with one hand temporarily while reaching for the next guy wire. Then you could release the first wire and reach for another, etc. (You never wanted to let go with both hands at the same time...)
Why am I discussing airplane stunts in an article about love relationships? Well, in case you hadn't noticed, love can be dangerous. An emotional fall can be devastating and something to be avoided if at all possible.
I have two friends, let's call them Kelly and Linda. Both have emotionally immature boyfriends that treat them poorly. Kelly and Linda love their boyfriends and want to be in a relationship. Neither boyfriend is showing signs of growing up, however. What should they do?
Linda broke up with her boyfriend. She is now feeling very depressed and lonely. She violated "Bessell's First Law of Wingwalking," named after my friend, mentor, collaborating author, and famed psychologist Harold Bessell, Ph.D. The First Law of Wingwalking states "Never let go of what you're holding onto until you've got a hold of something else!" By letting go with both hands Linda "fell" into depression.
Kelly, observing the First Law of Wingwalking, let go with only one hand. She gradually withdrew herself emotionally from her boyfriend, all the while telling him what she was doing and why. She kept hoping he would grow up, but it didn't seem to be happening. When she was down to giving him only half her heart, the other half was then available for someone new. And sure enough, someone new showed up, and she extended her open hand, and she now has two boyfriends!
Kelly is going a little bit crazy, but she is not depressed like Linda. In fact, she is happy with the increased attention, something she has never had before. She is also having the unique opportunity to compare how they both treat her. And she is more likely to succeed in a new relationship because she is entering it from a position of strength.
Many of you are no doubt screaming, "That's terrible! She's two-timing them! You can't condone that!"
I have two things to say in response:
1. First, a lot depends on the nature of the various relationships, the agreements that have been made between the partners, and individual beliefs. For instance, Kelly told her boyfriend that things weren't going well between them, and that she was going to be open to other relationships if they presented themselves. Therefore she wasn't breaking any trust. Also, she is not (yet) having sex with the new friend, so she doesn't have to go against her own inhibitions about having sex with more than one person.
2. Second, it's important to keep one's beliefs in perspective. For example, I believe "emotional stability" is a high value. While I rank it below "honesty" in my own prioritization of values, it ranks above "adherence to social norms." So if your social norms say "date only one person at a time," and that conflicts with your "emotional stability," I suggest dropping the social norm. Of course if adherence to social norms is a higher value to you than emotional stability, then you should follow the social norms and accept that depression is a possible, even likely, result.
Another way of expressing the First Law of Wingwalking is "Two is better than none." While this is obvious in the case of wingwalking, social conventions make it not as obvious (but just as valid) in the field of love relationships.
Why does our culture set up rules that conflict with our emotional well-being? In this case I suspect the rules were established by immature people trying to protect themselves by making others feel guilty. This is something immature people love to do.
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